Chapter 14: why im now psychotic!

No, thats not the real name of the troublesome chapter ive been fixatfed on making perfect (even in an early first edit). But it would be accurate to the effects its having on me.

Unlike with previous posts, I have the mood, but in finding it completely threw the tone off. Its laid out cleaner than before, but that needs changing. I know, its a first edit, perfection is nothing more than asking for pages and hair to start falling out. To that I say this is one of the most important chapters, easily tied for most important. If the very flow is off in "just" the first edit, it tends to mess with me, and has been the cause 2 of my other projects to remain untouched for years.

In all, these 3 books im working on now belong a larger, world, and so much more. Ive worked on this created world of mine since I was 15. It cannot be abandoned, sometimes I tell myself that I cannot stop or the main antagonist will win. I often wonder if I truly talk about my writing or my life and well being when I get to thinking about it. As Ive said before, each character is more than ink or pixels; their life may not be one we hold sway and influence over, but their story caught my eye as it happened in my vast imagination. If I get published and paid one day, cool! But my ultimate goalbis to tell this story for them. They are the ripples from the rock that was hurled into my pond!

Thanks reading my brains exhaust!

Holiday ramblings

Its about 11pm on Christmas day, I'm in bed awake while the wife has been asleep for over an hour. Many things are crossing my head. Writing, science, the kids and last but never least, my education and short comings of said topic.

Most of you know that my first goal is a BS in Physics (particularly Astro). I hear alot of people try to cut that down because my current math levels arent great. The worst part of this is that I listen or let alot of what is said get to me. Any and all problems in the academic world are my fault entirely, but Ive been looking at my problems within academia as they exist currently. In doing so I discredit my self and give no room for growth otherwise.

As this blog is a home for my tidbits on my writings and feelings of, I feel that Im not being an honest writer if I give my stories and characters growth, but deny it for my self. I cant afford, my wife cant either, for me to cut my self short when a problem arises. I see when my main character, Jess, is faced with something larger than her self, I have to help her atleast become a part of it, if not rise above it.

Too many times have problems caused me to pause, step back, even give in and up. I think I'm truly the only person who knows that I have a truly cowardice side and it can often get the best of me. Its time to break it, or else admit defeat in all things and let my loved ones see me do something I cannot afford to: buckle under pressure because things are a little much.

Thats me for now, hoping to get some sleep.

Time of a precious sort

Been a bit since I've posted. Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving (or if youre in another country, had a great day/November.). I said that blurb because ive seen one person from Germany reading this, cool.

About a week ago, my wife started an overnight job working in a warehouse. Its been my job making sure the kids get to bed, bathed and are fed in the mornings, as she doesnt get home till around past 630am. Its effected both of our sleep, obviously for her she sleeps less through out the week, but Ive been trying to get her alot of quiet time where I can on her days off. For me, I've gotten used to having some one next to me and its been harder getting to sleep and staying that way, but I'm sure itll get easier.

On other notes, can anyone beleive its December already? Seems like the older I am the fast time goes by. Wasnt it just new years a month ago? Which is another good point in my writing. Chapter 14 is still killing me, im going to be scraping the ENTIRE idea/model I had for it and will be going with something a bit different, less comfortable, to help me get past it for now. In the end most of this is the framework that I will be adding to later.

The problem with the chapter is that it takes place directly, literally minutes, after a major turning point and its delicate. If I do this part wrong, it could make or break the book and I just cant have it broken. When the wifey goes to work tonight and the boy is in bed, I'm going to try to sit down and hammer it out. Put on some music, zone out a bit and let it flow, Drew Style.

Take it easy

Time of a precious sort

Been a bit since I've posted. Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving (or if youre in another country, had a great day/November.). I said that blurb because ive seen one person from Germany reading this, cool.

About a week ago, my wife started an overnight job working in a warehouse. Its been my job making sure the kids get to bed, bathed and are fed in the mornings, as she doesnt get home till around past 630am. Its effected both of our sleep, obviously for her she sleeps less through out the week, but Ive been trying to get her alot of quiet time where I can on her days off. For me, I've gotten used to having some one next to me and its been harder getting to sleep and staying that way, but I'm sure itll get easier.

On other notes, can anyone beleive its December already? Seems like the older I am the fast time goes by. Wasnt it just new years a month ago? Which is another good point in my writing. Chapter 14 is still killing me, im going to be scraping the ENTIRE idea/model I had for it and will be going with something a bit different, less comfortable, to help me get past it for now. In the end most of this is the framework that I will be adding to later.

The problem with the chapter is that it takes place directly, literally minutes, after a major turning point and its delicate. If I do this part wrong, it could make or break the book and I just cant have it broken. When the wifey goes to work tonight and the boy is in bed, I'm going to try to sit down and hammer it out. Put on some music, zone out a bit and let it flow, Drew Style.

Take it easy

Pushing Past the Silly.

It's amazing how something so innocent, even benign, can cause such a train of thought. Last night, as I was giving logan a bath, I was being goofy as I normally am while giving him a bath. Making funny noises usually relaxes him before i have to dump water on in his (he REALLY hates water on his face and ears), but last night I was told, "Daddy, you stop it!"

Now, this was said in a pretty joking tone and normally I would joke around with him and tease him. However, something entirely differnt went on in my head; I thought of all the times as I was growing up that I told my parents, even my Aunt, to stop with the "silly things". Obviously not ALL of the times, rather, but many of them. I began to think that, even thought I dont stop them from being silly, that the kids may find a want to push aside the lighter parts of being a child.

When I was writing a book (which is sitting in my closet, finished with the first draft), I noted a character that always stated "Times will be at their darkest when the laughter of children ceases." I guess all of these thoughts sort of collided and left me to respond to Logan with a, "sorry buddy." I left it at that.

Not really a cohesive point to this, sort of just a ramble with some thoughts.

thats it for today.

"The Inner Light

Most of you reading this probably know how much of a huge Star Trek fan I am (dont call me a Trekker, thats weird...its trekkie...good old fashioned trekkie.) My favorite episode of TNG (The Next Generation) is one called "The Inner Light". In it, the captain gets information of a probe floating out in space, to gather more information the crew gets closer to find out about it. As they do this the captain sudden becomes unconcious.

In what fears appears to be a dream state, near reality, the captain finds him self on an alien world. Through time he accepts his life, feels everything on the enterprise may have been a dream while being sick and is content with the world about him. Through the episode we follow him through various stages of life, raising a family, beoming part of the community and so forth.

*****SPOILER*****

(I warned you)
(spoiler ends down below)

Eventually it comes to a point where all those around him (including some that passed) tell him that this was all an attempt to give information of a dead civilization so they would live on through the mind of one person. After that he comes to wake back up on the Enterprise after about a half hour of being asleep. He has an entire (what appears) to be 40 years of a lifes memory in his mind like he lived them.


*****END SPOILER******

Now, im sure youre saying what a lovely paraphrase of an incredible episode, well thank you. But there was a point to that explanation. I've found that when thinking of the world im writing, because lets face it- it is, that I can controll how and when I am in that place, how those people go or stay, whats before and after them. I am that ambassador to a world that only I know, for now. Sometimes, I find it incredibly overwhelming that a world like that exists (even in just fiction) for me to be a part of and still have this world. I feel that my writing is comparable to the emotions and elements of that episode I mentioned.

As I've said, I owe it to the people ive created in this story to finish and try to publish it. What is in my head is the only "memory" of what happens, the imagination gives them life and breath so much so that it is all part of me and my memories now. Now, Captain Picard lived 40 years in about 30 minutes. Imagine a scale of two thousand years in months.

Thats all for me,

Peace

The Last Ride

On my way to work, today, i was listening to a song called "Last Ride of the Day" by Nightwish. (good song from a great album). It got me thinking about how ive been approaching chapter 14 (my problem chapter from the last post). As you may have gathered, everything I do has been planned out alot, not alot of room (Storywise) for going with the flow of things. The characters may alter things within the story but they do not alter the story it self.

The affore mentioned song talks about making a last stand at the end of your time, taking a last ride in the "carnival of life". Perhaps I've been so focused on meaning and taking time for granted that i should slow it down, look at each chapter as its own breath of the story, as its own ride. I think ill take tonight, think just a little on the chapter, and let it go. Tomorrow I will try writing again based on the feeling that 14 follows the actions of 14 and try not to play it into a centerpoint of the story, which is how I was treating it.

On another side note, the song made me think about how I would write if I was on that "last ride". If I had knowledge that I would not wake up tomorrow, I would write as if my life depended on it, give more color to that world as my colors in this world will fade. Each person would carry a small bit of me in the books so that I may have a ride, forever, through my creation.

Thats it for me today,

Peace

The Breaking Storm

Today, I find my block in dealing with chapter 14 continues. The chapters before it felt easy and safe to build up to what was coming, but now I have to climb back down from the peak of the book. There is so much I want to hit before I close the book and begin edits.

The problem isnt that I dont know where I'm taking the story, not in the least, its quite the opposite. I know where I want to go and for the most part how to get there, but its making changes and HAVING to change things (see previous post about the characters having a life of their own). I have to get the emotions just right or I wont capture the meaning of the story im telling.

Like the title of this post, Chapter 14 will be called "The Breaking Storm". I fee like this is my problem chapter and the storm may be all BUT broken as its leaving me at writing near 1k works and then turning around to delete it all. Now, my chapters run anywhere from 2.5-4k words, shorter chapters but a decent amount of chapters. You can imagine getting 1k into a chapter to delete and start over a few times could get nerve racking. Im hoping that I find a bit of inspiration, some where.

Thats it for me, for now.

Later

A thought of Birthdays and Life

Today, my boy turns 4 years old. I think about how fast time has gone by in the scale of 4 human, living and breathing, years. I look at this, or try, through the eyes of my boy, and how wonderful things must be to be so young, but also so scary. As I cant help but think of things like this, it helps me to also think about my writing and the things (emotions, lives, deaths) involved in the world that I create and live in.

     It relates intermixingly so well. As a parent I have this idea of how I want things to be, how I want to carry them out. But even in just the short four years that have passed by, I have come to see that even the most careful planning cannot, and will not, hold a candle to the unplanned events of life! And though my characters are planned, created by me and follow a general direction I give (much like my son), I also learn from them, I feel their pains, sympathize and sometimes have to follow their direction.

Its funny to compare life to a book. Life goes on, for most of us, unpublished in a print sense, but others know about it and can admire the most popular of them. There was a saying in a movie "Life as a House" about how a man envision his life as a house, it didnt need to be big, fancy, beautiful or any of the such; It just needed to be his.

One day, I imagine Logan may read this. Thank you son, for being part of my book, my house. This story would be dull without you. Happy birthday Son.

The motivation from creation

The more I get done with my book, the more I think of the peoples lives involved in my book. To call them mere words or thoughts would be an insult, to me they are living breathing people, my thoughts may influence their actions and lives, but their actions and lives so influence my thoughts and life.

 

I always wrestle with my self, hiding alot of confidence behind doubt. But if its one thing that my main character taught its that fear doesnt change destiny, it only makes it harder to accept. I think I owe it to her (Jess) to work this through to the end, and get it all published.